It’s Not Officially a Big Playoff Win Until Bryce Harper Panders to Us

Did Bryce Harper deliver a fiery message to the team after an all-time classic? What line did he say that will launch a thousand different t-shirts and be the lead in to the Phillies 2024 yearbook? Glad you asked:

I can’t lie I laughed out loud when I heard this for the first time. He’s the king. There’s nobody better than him. He’s the Bryce Harper of pandering. When he got back to the locker room he couldn’t wait to tell everyone how proud Rocky would be of them. Do you think Bryce knows Rocky isn’t an actual person? Who cares. If he keeps having gigantic postseason moments he can tell them about how proud Dennis, Charlie, Mac, and Dee are too. They’re his favorite bartenders at his favorite bar in the city if you didn’t know.

It’s so funny how we would make fun of anyone else for doing this, but since it’s Bryce we blush and giggle. He hates the Cowboys, the Phanatic is actually his best friend, and he laughs at William Penn’s knife dick like we do. The Boner 4Ever building is an architectural marvel, Angelo’s is the best cheesesteak in the city, Pat’s and Geno’s are tourist traps, and if you want to go on vacation you go down the shore. It’s Jimmies not sprinkles. You drink wooder and color with a crown. We’ve literally indoctrinated him into becoming a Philadelphia incel in only five years. His brain has been re-wired to work like your WIP uncle.

We hate when Sunday Night Football gives us the cliche cheesesteak shot or an announcer mentions Rocky in their monologue. Not when it’s him. Pander to us, Bryce! We fucking love it! Might not be a more perfect tweet:

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