50 Infallible Eagles Predictions for the 2024 Season

With a new Eagles season upon us, it’s time for another infallible prediction list.

When we did the 2023 story, an arbitrary evaluation found that we got 21 of 50 correct, 13 wrong, and 16 were deemed to be either partially true or incomplete. That’s not bad considering the Birds’ campaign hit the highest of ceilings and the lowest of floors. No one predicted the meltdown and first round playoff loss, no one predicted Sean Desai’s midseason demotion, and no one predicted that the entire thing would go completely to shit.

But it’s the dawn of a new day, and we go again in 2024, with fingers crossed for a better outcome:

1. Nothing bad will happen in Brazil. The players will not be mugged or assaulted. They will hang around the hotel room, play the game, and fly home. They will have private security out the wazoo.
2. Fans will complain that Vic Fangio doesn’t blitz enough. They will complain that there is too much “soft zone.”
3. The dick riding of players from Eagles fanboy accounts will be insufferable. It will be the worst its ever been.
4. Seth Joyner will complain after every win and complain after every loss.
5. Avonte Maddox will become injured at some point and miss time.
6. Cam Jurgens will slide into the center role with no issues.
7. Jalen Hurts will throw for 4,000 yards for the first time in his career.
8. Hurts will run for 500-600 yards. Can’t see him up in the 750 range where he was in 2021 and 2022, not with all of the weapons on this offense and the need to protect him.
9. There will not be enough touches to go around for Saquon Barkley, A.J. Brown, DeVonta Smith, Dallas Goedert, and Jahan Dotson, and then designed Hurts runs on top of that.
10. Continuing the theme of #9, this will result in a narrative/storyline/talking point that “player X is unhappy because they aren’t seeing enough of the ball.“
11. Linebacker will be the weakest position on the team.
12. The EDGE unit will be the second weakest position.
13. Bryce Huff’s early down usage, or lack thereof, will be a huge talking point through Week 6.
14. Right guard won’t be a problem.
15. There will be two season-ending injuries to key players. If you adhere to the law of averages, we’re due for something like this.
16. I think Saquon Barkley and C.J. Gardner-Johnson miss time this year, but not with serious injuries. I think CJGJ misses four games and Saquon two.
17. The biggest fan argument through the early weeks will revolve around CB2 and nickel corner.
18. People will say “enough with Big Dom” and claim that he is overexposed.
19. Media will continue to incorrectly label as an “RPO” any play that has a defender read or option component to it.
20. The Giants will be horrendous. Six wins max.
21. The Commanders will do what they always do, which is nothing. 5-7 wins for them.
22. The Cowboys will make the playoffs and then lose in embarrassing fashion.
23. Cowboys fans will fight each other inside their own stadium.
24. Raiders and Niners fans will try to stab each other.
25. Sports talk radio will be ready to fire someone after Week 1 (win or loss).
26. Fans will blame a week 2, week 3, or week 4 loss on the travel to and from Brazil.
27. There will be at least one game where Saquon only gets something like 11 carries and the “run the ball” guys will show up at NovaCare with their signs.
28. One of Nakobe Dean or Nolan Smith will underwhelm again. The other will turn into a legitimate contributor.
29. Moro Ojomo will take a significant step forward.
30. Dak Prescott throws at least 10 interceptions.
31. Someone at your job will say some shit you absolutely don’t care about, like “I’m pulling for the Bucs because I have Chris Godwin on my fantasy team.“
32. The Eagles will frustrate fantasy owners because there are too many talented offensive players and there’s not enough of the ball to go around.
33. They’ll start 4-2 and finish 12-5.
34. They will lose to one of New Orleans or Tampa Bay on the road. Those are the prime candidates for “losing a game they should not have lost.”
35. A realistic prediction for Jahan Dotson: 41 targets, 30 receptions, 390 yards, three touchdowns
36. Dallas Goedert will have no more than 75 targets.
37. Slay will piss people off by going on his podcast or his YouTube channel and saying something he should have kept to himself (this may have already happened if we’re counting the Brazil apology, we will ask the politburo for a ruling)
38. Jake Elliott, for the second year in a row, will be the most consistent and reliable player on the roster.
39. The “do Jalen Hurts and Nick Sirianni like each other?” storyline will unfortunately persist throughout the season.
40. Special teams will be a STRENGTH.
41. Jalen Carter will be a Pro Bowl shoe-in with eight sacks, 13 tackles for loss, 12 QB hits, three forced fumbles.
42. Pro Bowl: Jalen Carter, Landon Dickerson, Lane Johnson, A.J. Brown, Jake Elliott, and Jalen Hurts (6 total).
43. Jordan Mailata, Saquon Barkley, CJGJ, and DeVonta Smith will be Pro Bowl alternates
44. Rick Lovato won’t have a bad snap all year long.
45. Jordan Davis will improve on his 44% snap count, but it will not crest 50%. He will play about 49% of the snaps, Carter will be in the 57-58 range, and then Milton Williams will jump into the mid to high 40s.
46. The Eagles’ 12-personnel usage will dip significantly. They will be a top-eight team in 11-personnel usage.
47. With Derek Barnett gone, Jordan Mailata will lead the team in penalties, with 7. Three false starts, three holding calls, and then he gets popped for 15 yards for defending Jalen Hurts after a late hit.
48. The Kenny Pickett/Tanner McKee argument won’t mean anything because neither will start a game.
49. Britain Covey will get absolutely smashed returning a punt or kick but get up like nothing happened (this will happen at least 25 times).
50. They defense will prevent them from winning the Super Bowl.

Thoughts? Whatever happens, I just hope we have won. Let’s enjoy ourselves and have a great time. Go Birds!

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